What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 16.06.2025 15:51
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Why is my elder sister so mean?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I was scared of men, in general
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Has a cop ever said something to you which was completely unexpected?
I was seconnd youngest,
Im still living with it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
What movies and TV shows portray realistic beauty standards?
She married twice! .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
How did you react when your doctor ordered a colonoscopy?
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I dreamt my mother had died and I cried so much in my dream. What does it mean?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
How do I get a white man for a serious relationship?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I never cut or harmed myself..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We all went to grammer schools
Is it common for girlfriends to have close male friends who are single and not related to them?
She was in good health!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I think the readers, may guess!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We were not on the streets..
So whats the point in blame.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But it wasn’t much.
What did i know ?
All the time i was locked up.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Who then, do I blame.?
When she asked me how she looked .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I waited trembling.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She found it foreign!.
One cannot live in the past .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My life is so biszare .
He knew the spot.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I write beautiful poetry .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
It was going to be , some day.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
My family never makes their pension either.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I was 9 years of age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
This is soul school!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I could never make a relationship work though!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I said to her
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But, we were locked up after school.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Comes on , in middle age.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Would this be the day?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I will be 64.
She wouldn,t have been !
And i lived it daily.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As i do to all so called friends.?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I don,t even have a pension.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I have no regrets .
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other